There was a man who owned an import-export business. He was nearly bankrupt and about to close down. He came to an insurance agent and asked, “I have an import-export shop, and I want to insure it for 1 million dollars. If I make a mistake and the shop accidentally get burned down, then according to you, can I get anything from that?” The insurance man said, “Yes, you do get something. For sure, you get five to ten years in prison.”
There was a veteran who bought a Velosolex (motorbike). He was so excited, riding it back and forth, then park the bike on a street corner. That evening, someone stole the bike. The veteran came home shouting and complaining loudly. And it was Lunar New Year’s Day, too. So unlucky! Then he came home and wrote an announcement, made copies and posted them everywhere. He said, “My name is so-and-so, I am making the announcement to let everyone know: On the first day of the Lunar New Year, I parked my bike at such-and-such place, and someone took it. So whoever took my bike by mistake, please put it back at the same location. If not, I will be forced to use the method which I used in the era of resistance in 1945.” The next day, someone immediately brought the Velosolex back and returned it exactly where he had said. My God, the veteran’s friends were so amazed, they asked, “What method did you use in 1945 that scared people like that?” The veteran said, “It was nothing! In 1945, I also parked my bike at the corner of the market, and someone also stole it like this time. I had no choice but to go buy myself a new bike.”
There was a guy, he was a liar without any conscience. He lied, he boasted, he exaggerated, he talked a lot. His wife knew his character, so she tried to restrain him, by saying, “OK, whenever you talk, then control it, just talk in moderation. If you accidentally talk too much, then look at my eyes. If I blink my eyes, then you cut back some of your exaggeration. Otherwise, if you over-exaggerate, people will know you’re bluffing and it’s embarrassing!” This guy knew his wife had a good heart, so he said, “Alright, I will do as you said.” One day, a guest came to visit, and then he started to show off his “talent” again, he forgot about his wife’s warning. He showed off, by saying, “My God, yesterday, I was at Bến Thành market, a female rattlesnake chased me and bit me.” “A female rattlesnake in Bến Thành market?” “Her width was about 15 meters, so she was 15 meters wide.” He just said 15 meters, but he looked at his wife who blinked at him, so he corrected, “No, no. It seems like, when I measured carefully, maybe around 10 meters.” The guest asked impatiently, “But how about the length? How long was she?” He was about to say, “About, about, about...” But he saw his wife was blinking like crazy, so he said, “Also about 10 meters.” So the female rattlesnake was 10 meters wide and 10 meters long.
Do you still want to hear more? (Yes.) Forget it. I am old and don’t have my glasses with me, so it’s hard to read. This story, maybe I told you already. (Oh no, not yet.) “The Kid Who Picks Flowers.” You haven’t heard it? How can you say “not yet”? There was a little kid who called his mom, and said, “Mom, I want to go to the toilet.” But he said it in a very casual, somewhat crude way. So his mom scolded him, “You should not say like that. Our family is from an old, respectable lineage, do you know? So every time you want to go to the toilet...” But the Aulacese (Vietnamese) language says something else, [different than “toilet”]. “…then you should say you want to go pick flowers, OK? Otherwise, if you let the guests hear you say that, it’s really inappropriate, you understand? The kid said, “Yes.” One day, the family had guests. The kid held on to his mom’s dress and kept tugging at it. He didn’t dare to say anything, just held his mom’s dress and tugged at it. His mom was busy chatting nonsense to the guest and forgot her son. Later, after a while, she remembered, “Ah, yes, you were pulling on my dress earlier, did you need something? What did you want, son?” He had stopped pulling on her dress. His mom asked, “So why were you tugging on my dress for? What was it?” He said, “It’s OK now, I picked the flowers inside my pants already.” Now, there are a lot more stories, but I don’t know how many. You didn’t get it until now? He picked flowers in his pants, huh? But don’t go around telling this story everywhere, OK?
Ah, I remember now. There is another story. Two people were “talking” heart-to-heart inside a room. Suddenly, the husband came home, and banged on the door loudly. The two of them were so nervous and didn’t know what to do, so her lover said, “Let me hide under the bed.” She said, “No, you are too fat, you can’t crawl underneath the bed, you won’t fit.” He said, “Alright, then let me hide inside the closet.” She said, “No, whenever my husband comes home, he opens the closet right away to change his clothes. So no, that won’t work.” She said, “OK, now there is only one solution, you have to jump out the window.” But he said, “My God! My dear! We’re on the thirteenth floor!” The woman said, “My God, it’s so urgent, and you’re still being superstitious?” Number 13. Enough? (No. More, more.) Enough. I am tired to read anymore. I will read again on another day. (Yes, then Master can talk to us.) Anything will do? OK. If anything will do, then maybe you should just go home?
Photo Caption: OLD HOME Is Always THE BEST
